I cannot begin to explain how lonely my world can get. Sometimes, it seems that I’m always on the OUTside looking into other environments and worlds. Why is that? Simply, I don’t fit into most places; or I just don't feel I fit. It seems I'm a man without a home. I know, I know…this does not explain much does it. All I can say is that there are many different aspects of me. There are so many parts that are housed in one location; me. Because of this, I usually find groups or communities to be too extreme, along with their actions and/or way of thinking.
For starters, let us begin with one aspect that is very important in today’s society; sex. I’m gay? Or, am I bisexual? What ever the case maybe, lets just say I'm of an alternative sexual orientation. Why do I not know if I’m gay or bisexual you ask? First of all, it’s because I never thought it was very important to classify myself. Sexual orientation does not define me; it’s just a part of my life. I still think women are extremely attractive and have had many relationships with them; however; in most cases I find myself with men. This is not to say I would never sleep with a woman again; it’s just the opportunities are usually no where to be found. If I was forced to pick my orientation, I would have to say I was gay because of the dominate factor of men in my life. Plus, there is a certain comfort that comes with being with a man. The sad thing about being gay is that I don’t fit into the common life style found in the community.
My life is so different from a lot of the gay men I meet. One thing that is really off center is that fact that I like rock music. Not only do I like rock music, but I’m the lead singer in a rock band. Gay men love music but their taste doesn’t often find its way into the genre of rock, much less performing it. In addition, I’m a little more on the rough edge of life. Meaning, I’m not so polished (as most gay men may think) nor do I care about such things. For example, clothing lines, TV shows, furniture, books, bars and events of choice by most gay men do not interest me in the slightest. Now, I do admit, this may be a possible issue with geographic location.
Most of my interaction with the gay community comes from Washington, DC and Baltimore, MD. Washington gay community is especially difficult to handle. I could go on and on about the negative aspects of this community but for now, let’s just say that I’d rather not waste my energy. One good thing I can say is that I have some very special friends who live in or around the DC area. The Baltimore gay community seems to be a bit friendlier. On occasion, when I’m out at a bar in Baltimore, someone may come up to me and just want to talk and buy me a drink. That’s it; nothing more to it. Things like that don’t happen in DC unless the person wanted something from me (sex). They also seem to be a bit more diverse in taste and life.
Now, I realize that these are implications that may not hold true to some, but these are the common experiences I usually find. As I may have mentioned, my friends are the best thing in my life. Whether they are gay or straight, they have been by my side through thick and thin. My gay friends are genuine (true to themselves) and most don’t involve themselves with the common gay community. They are individuals of growth and lovers of life. I love them very much. With that, I often wonder, why I can find excellent friends that are gay but cannot find a decent boyfriend? I'll have to think about this one...
