So what happened after the crash? How are you doing? What is a scapula and where is it broken? What kind of drugs were you given? Are you done riding motorcycles? The questions go on and on…blah, blah, blah. No worries, I understand the interest. Actually, I think the aftermath is worse than the crash.
I have to admit one of the most ridiculous questions, is asking me if I’m done riding motorcycles. Have you lost you mind?! What kind of a question is that? Of course, I’m going to continue riding! I’m trying to figure out what I want for my next bike. Every time I see motorcycles go by, my heart breaks. I know some of you think I’m crazy. But, chew on this thought for a second. I would rather die doing the things I love, experiencing and experimenting with what life has to offer, than die at home one day wishing I could have done more. You only live once; you better make the best of it. If I die doing something that I loved to do, and/or something that I believed in, than it was a good death. And, it was a good life. I was living to the fullest when it happened.
Oh yes, those of you who sent me gifts and flowers; thank you so much. That was most kind of you. Those few who stopped by my house to visit me, you’re awesome!! This was especially nice since I have spent most of my time at home. For the first week, I was in serious pain. There was nothing I could do but take my medication, Oxycodone, Motrin, and Tylenol, and wait on the healing process. I was completely miserable. Taking deep breaths was kind of painful. I couldn’t sleep at all unless I was passing out from exhaustion. I needed help putting my clothes on, taking a shower, drying off, opening doors, and much more. I had to relearn how to do things with my left hand. One of the most challenging left handed acts was wiping my own ass. It’s simply amazing how much a slave you become to your dominate hand. Take away the use of your dominate hand for 24 hours and you’ll learn really quick how much you rely on it. By the way, a scapula is a shoulder blade. It’s something that cannot be put into a cast, so my arm was in a sling to help keep it immobilized. The slightest jar or movement was excruciating.
By the second week the pain started to become less intense and became more of a nuisance. My right arm actually began showing signs of life; instead of just a limp mass of bone and flesh. I started to type and was able to telecommute to work. But still, I was feeling quiet worthless and subhuman. Depression was sinking in and I found myself in tears a few times. I didn’t care about my bike or the fact that I couldn’t get to work. I was depressed at the fact that I was not capable of being a fully functional human being and independent. If there is one thing I am afraid of in this world, its failure. When I begin to feel like a failure as a human being I feel my time is a waste. As a result of this depression, I wanted no help and I wanted off the drugs. I began to rely less on the medication no matter how uncomfortable I was. I needed medication mostly during serious painful moments during the day, evenings before going to bed and in the mornings when I woke up. I also had a follow visit at University of Maryland Medical Center with the orthopedic doctor. The x-rays clearly showed that I still had serious multiple fractures. The doctor asked me if I needed anymore pain medication. He was shocked to hear me say no. He asked me if I was sure about the pain medication as I was leaving.
My third week showed signs of improvement! I was able to move my right arm a lot more and the pain only seemed to come in spikes around my shoulder blade and triceps. Compared to a constant throbbing, this was actually an improvement and it gave me a chance to relax and breathe once in a while. However, I was still very limited to what I could do and how much. The sharp spikes of pain felt like someone had just shoved a sword in my back. The spikes of pain always seem to happen at the most inconvenient times; such as during sleep. To add, I was starting to sleep a bit more horizontal now; as opposed sleeping sitting up. On average, I would wake up about every hour in severe pain and nothing seemed comfortable. At this point, if I took any pain medication it was due to evening pain. Just as well, my depression seemed to be getting worse and I had no drive to do anything. Not even blog. When I tried to use my arm it was like watching a toddler grabbing a toy. I had very little motor muscle control.
The fourth week, to the present day, seemed to show the greatest improvement and with incredible speed. The amount of use and capability I gained in my right arm seem to happen almost overnight. Around the same time, I started my physical therapy, which helped even more. I’m also completely off the painkillers! I know that I still need quite a bit of rehabilitation to go. Slowly, I’m coming back to life. The depression is still there. Of course it doesn’t help that I have dysthymia in the first place ( Dysthymia is a form of depression). I’m no longer…well…subhuman. I do not like the idea that I have to rely on others; to make it by in life. I hate that!! I’m also a man of action, or at least I like to know I can be a part of the action. Being broken and sitting at home with only my thoughts to keep me company is not a man capable of action. I will say this, if need a machine to support my life, pull the fucking plug! Having no ability to live my life as it should be lived is failing and I do not wish to live that way.
