It has been some time since my last entry. I’ve been busy with the recovery of my motorcycle crash, work, birthday, research for a new martial art to study, and the general monkey wrenches that life loves to throw at you. During that time I have received a number of responses to my last entry, “In the name of the Father.” First of all let me say thank you for those of you who poured your heart out to me. I’m honored that my friends and family care to talk to me on such topics. In my opinion, that’s what we need in the world, less hiding and more openness. That kind of thinking will dissolve fears, which seems to be a great deal of our underlining issues.
Please know that my writing is my way of expression and release. I did not write “In the name of the Father” for attention, sympathy, or a way to shit on my father. I think the important message in that blog was forgiveness and going forward in life with whatever we are given. Despite any dark times, we have to look to the light for hope. Think about it. If we do not believe that there is a chance, some kind of hope, what use is there in trying? What is life worth? There is always some small bit of hope. For some, it may be really small; but it’s has to be there to go on in life. So, the journey moves on. And we can learn so much if we willing to open up ourselves to it.
What has my childhood experiences taught me? Well, I learned at a young age that we take a great deal with us on our journey of life. It is absolutely amazing how much we are affected by our up-bringing and our surrounding environment. Our experiences as children make us who we are as adults. The good and the bad are all present inside us no matter how much we try to deny it. For me, I try to look at the bad things in the same manner as I do the good things. Cherish it and learn from it. There will always be a dark side. What matters is how we deal with the dark side in life. This is nothing to be ashamed of, as it gives us balance. My dark side, as you may have learned from previous entries, is the fear of failure as a human being. There are many facets to this idea, most of which I try and use to my advantage. You might say this fear of failure helps drive me in life. Admittedly, it has also almost driven me to death.
There is another dark side that is bit harder to use as a positive; my lack of faith in anything or anybody. Faith was slowly burned from my mind and soul throughout the years of my youth. There is very little left inside of me to fall back on. Very few have a chance to really get close to me because of it. Most people, organizations, corporations, politicians, and religions are nothing more than a bunch of charlatans to me. As a positive, it has taught me to be self-reliant and a survivor. I knew that if I wanted something bad enough it would, most likely, come to fruition from my own doing. This lack of faith has also giving me the means to detect bullshit. I can usually tell when someone is pissing on my boots and telling me it’s a rain storm. In most case, I just stick to really close friends for safety and keep my back against the wall. I practice a great deal of Sun Tzu’s philosophy from the book The Art of War. This is a safe practice. Especially, when it comes to those I do not trust. Sun Tzu says, “Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer.” Admittedly, this lack of faith does get in the way of relationships…most unfortunate. Perhaps that discussion is best left for another time.
Another very important thing that I’ve taken away from my childhood is that love, true love, is unconditional. It should be especially free from conditions of worth. Love does not stop just because one “of love” does not agree with other one “of love.” Too often I felt this way with my father. It seemed that if I didn’t do what he approved, I was not to be given attention, much less love. When I stepped out into the world with my friends and their families, I learned how love continued no matter the conditions that were placed. It was so beautiful to me and it set me on a new path of thinking. It would seem that I get involved, or have interests, in things that most people do not care to participate. I respect that. But, you learn who you’re true friends are if any of them judge you for your actions or interests. This especially goes for family members too. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our family but we can surly stay the fuck away from them if they place conditions of worth on us. Love me for me or fuck off! That’s what I say. I don’t buy into that whole “blood is thicker than water” bullshit. Anyone in life has the ability to fuck you over family or not.
I would like to bring up one last peace regarding the father topic. I would really like to have children of my own. For many years now I’ve been hoping to be a father myself. Admittedly, watching fathers with their children stirs up a great deal of emotion inside of me. There have been times that I would avoid those with children because I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep my feelings hidden. There have been times I would leave the area because I could feel my eyes watering. I want the same opportunity. I want to start a family! Now that I’m getting older, the desire is becoming greater. Sometimes the desire is so strong that it is emotionally painful. It has stirred up a fear that I may never have children. Time is important to me. I suppose I want to be young enough to participate in my child’s activities. I want to be the father that plays catch with his son, or attends a dance residual for his daughter. I could go on forever about the wishes of my life with my children. I want to give all that I can and all that I am to my children. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into spoiling. But, I want my children to know that I’m behind them, supporting them, every step of the way through life. Yes, a Wraith can love too. And through my children, I can truly be immortal.
